Throwback Piece - I'm Never Alone - October 2010

I am never alone. Despite those moments where I may have a pity party for myself or conjure up some sort of emotion that could resemble loneliness, in all actuality I’m never truly alone.

I don’t attribute this notion of never being alone to some deep spiritual meaning, though in another conversation spirituality definitely contributes. This feeling of never being alone is really based on a figment of my creation…it’s the fact that I have an imaginary audience – and truth be told I’ve had one since I was young. Some kids have imaginary friends, but not me, I had an imaginary audience -and it has stuck with me even until this day.  

I don’t know where the audience came from or how it came about; and it’s not as vain or self-centered as it may sound. Perhaps that Truman Show movie really got to me.

My imaginary audience gets a really good show if I must say so myself. They hear me talk to myself  (or in my head depending on the setting) on just about every occurrence in my life. I narrate a range of emotions and topics from “what will I wear or eat today” to “how did I end up in this situation?” I vent about disappointment, struggle and anxiety and gush about achievements, romantic crushes and outfits. Of course my imaginary audience is a great crowd – they laugh at all my jokes. No wonder I’ve kept them around for so long - they just seem to get me.

Looking back at my life I can truly say this audience has been there with me. They’ve seen it all – the high and low moments and no matter what have stuck by my side.  They’ve given me support, validation, laughs and at times have been the perfect voice of reason to help keep me on track.

I have no idea what my imaginary audience looks like… I should probably clarify them as an invisible imaginary audience. No matter how I classify their existence – I know they are there. I often find myself talking out loud when no one is around only to reveal the fact that I’m speaking to my imaginary audience.

Psychologically I’m sure my audience can be explained as the rationale and processing of my most inner thoughts and motivations – but that doesn’t sound as fun as thinking you’re providing entertainment and fodder for a group of folks. Am I two doors down from schizophrenia or some kind of disorder? I sure hope not…and at least my imaginary audience doesn’t seem to think so