The Scale of Selfishness

 

There is a unique scale of selfishness that all relationships require. The scales have to be wiped clean of past experiences and both people must dump their selfish load on the scale and do their best to maintain balance.

Throughout our lives, there will always be stages where individuals need a developmentally appropriate amount of selfishness (an infant, identity-forming ages, early adulthood, etc).  Given that some amount of selfishness is needed for one’s own life, how does that selfishness factor when you join forces with someone with the (assumed) intent to be unselfish and giving? Should we look to see what we can get from a partner and recognize what we can give as well? Some see that as a solution, but that’s not what I’m advocating.

I believe there are some fundamental truths about selfishness that are simple and can lead to a healthy and sustaining relationship.

1.           Do your best to engage in a relationship with someone who has a similar life stage and/or selfish weight as you do. The full-time PhD student and business-owner’s selfishness may be a match made in Heaven because they both can understand each other’s needs.  It’s more likely they have similar selfish weight. The “in-search-of-myself” person may not be the best match for the “established & willing” persona. One needs time to invest in their own identity and well-being, the other feels content with their life and is looking for someone to reciprocate what they can give.

2.           Love for someone else IS SELFLESS. Isn’t that enough said? Don’t get into a relationship with the intent or unexpected outcome of constantly taking/receiving for yourself. Love your partner back in ways that have any and everything to do with making them feel loved, not yourself.

3.           Love someone who’s willing to love you as selflessly as they can

4.           It’s only selfish when you inconsiderately get your needs met at the expense of others…besides that, go for it!

To end this post, I’ll leave you with the words of RuPaul. “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” 

Identity Theft pt 1: The Cost We’re Paying for Buying into Traditional Masculinity

This post will be the first of many on a topic that is very interesting and dear to me. It is not the lament or attempt at revenge to the status quo of men who don’t always fit in society’s view of what is “manly.”  This is an introductory and honest look at how masculinity has hurt people I love, probably people you love and maybe even has hurt you (and me) at some point.

Lack of education, imprisonment, violent crimes, abuse, inability to empathize,  reckless behavior and body image issues are all byproducts of our society’s performance of manhood.  These are just some of the expenses both men and women have paid due to the high costs of  traditional masculine gender roles in society.  While I’m certainly not pinning every bit of  the aforementioned casualties on masculinity,  it would be naïve of me to dismiss the role it plays in our social norms.

When society enforces that men must be strong, powerful, independent, rugged, and respected, the structures that teach men these lessons are cracked and flawed.  Instead of producing the well-intentioned, confident and assured proverbial man, we sometimes get domineering, arrogant, greedy, and inconsiderate individuals who will go to regrettable measures to fulfill their idea of manliness. They usually take no responsibility for their actions and have no idea that the catalyst for a lot of their behavior is stemmed in an identity crisis.

The emotionally unavailable spouse, the condescending co-worker, the present and/or absentee father that was never there in the name of providing (or lack thereof) – we’ve all met him. The guy who boasts and leads with his accomplishments,  the guy who made you feel like your body wasn’t attractive, the guy who is intimidated or critical of your compassion and sensitivity, the guy who could possibly mug you on the street – we’ve all experienced how he made us feel. We’re in a culture surrounded by misguided men who are truly just in search of a secure identity.

My aim is not to replace the John Wayne hyper-masculine gender role and identity, my hope is that we can add more cards to the deck.  When boys are born, we shouldn’t reinforce language, media and social structures that teach a one-dimensional archetype.  It’s limiting and has harmful far-reaching effects.

Let’s instead affirm multiple identities for men. Let’s be mindful of the images we use in the media that depict masculinity. Let’s use language that accepts colors and interests beyond blue and sports. Let’s think about the long-term affects of how we can contribute to a healthier society by allowing people to be themselves.  Let’s remember the feeling we feel when we are comfortable with who are and others embrace that.

Whether you accept, acknowledge, perpetuate or reject the notion and ascribed behaviors for traditional masculine gender roles, you give credence to its existence.  Monitor your own beliefs and behavior.

This post required a lot of revision for me because I am very passionate about the topic. I could EASILY turn this post into an advanced sociology class term paper with statistics and analytical examples of how traditional masculinity is reinforced and the (damaging) consequences that ensue, but that would take away from my UnExpert persona. I’m definitely not an expert on the topic, however will continue to blog about this as I hope to one day do research and/or document how gender role socialization (specifically around the male gender role) affects education and life choices for men.  Stay tuned. 

Whoever Smells It...Loves Me.

I have a gage that I use to determine how comfortable I am around a person. It doesn’t involve sharing my most inner deepest darkest secrets, it actually involves  if I can fart around that person, and then we have a laugh (nonjudgmental I may add) about it. 

If I really look back on some of my closest friendships and meaningful relationships, they all involve a fart story. I’m not sure what it is about that exchange that makes me feel closer to someone, but if they can accept me and if I can accept them for all their stinking glory – we just become closer.

Bear with me as I give analysis to the dynamic and or sour exchange that can occur between people when the gaseous ghostbuster arrives on the scene. 

If I and/or someone farts around me and we both laugh and have no issue then it usually sends a message that we accept one another. We can let down our guard of a taboo and embarrassing bodily act that can normally set others off. It says, “Hey, you’re just like me and I don’t judge you for it. My stuff smells too!” There’s a lot of beauty in that. Even when people have dealt some major stinkbombs, I can get over the pungent odor and gross feeling in my stomach knowing beneath the stench is someone who will embrace me, not judge me and accept me as I am.

On the other hand, I’ve had encounters where farting does nothing but make things awkward and gross. Are you still reading? Lol. Take for instance when I worked a desk job and had a cubicle.  If my stomach was a rumbling and no one was around, sure I’d get some ease from the pressure and bloating from my Thai food that I took on my leisure lunch (I do miss the perks of working downtown Chicago and access to great food for lunch).  I’d hope that no one would come around, I usually surveyed the area for a good 5 minutes (which is long when you’re holding in a fart) and hope and pray that no one would walk by and/or that it didn’t leave a lingering nose twitch. Most times I was able to get away with it, but of course as fate would have it, one time I was not so lucky. I had a more senior colleague come in my cubicle and ask me to work on a new exciting project.  Once they arrived on the scene, I’m sure they would have rather asked me “do you need to  take a shower?”  They were as gracious as they could be despite the circumstance. Their face twitched,  my dignity and competency to do the job sank. Though there was an agreement between parties to work on the project, the only real agreement was that I smelled. Every time I saw that person around the office or in team meetings, all I could think was they could see pass my professional and pleasant demeanor, and thought I was a rotten stench mine.  The subtext was…you have no decorum and I don’t accept you. Though I can laugh about it, and even the see the merit in my colleague’s disgust (I would have been disgusted too) it just goes to show that farts can really make or break a relationship.

Here’s to all of my fabulous friends, family members and past lovers that have deepened our bond over an odor! Excuse me. 

Car rides and death, my recent opportunities to better understand living.

Very recently I road-tripped to Atlanta with family members for my aunt’s funeral. There I was confronted with my “why do we die” questions and my own personal discomfort with death. 

I’m not going to say I walked away with a better feeling about dying and grief, but I think I did gain a better understanding of why we die and the good things that can come from death.

During the body viewing I was highly emotional. I stepped out of the room and at some point eventually began weeping. I cried for my uncle and cousins’ heart-brokenness after they’ve lost a mom and a wife. I cried for my aunt’s parents, her sisters, her friends, her in-laws and her nieces and nephews. I cried for me…I don’t really get this death thing.  My Mom came to my side and rubbed my shoulders. She told me, “Brandon I used to be just like you. It’s taken me a while to understand this but death is a part of life.”

Her simple words comforted me, and I thought about a conversation my immediate family had while driving to the wake of our beloved family member. My Mom got pictures on her phone of a friend whose daughter just had a baby.  For my Mom’s friend and her family, this was not a time of lament, grief or sadness. They were extremely happy and were celebrating the newness of life. To them the world was welcoming a new person who they believe will contribute in significant ways. We were on our way to pay our respects and farewells to someone who had already done that.

Though I couldn’t justify it with my own personal experience, sorrow and grief, I got a slight understanding of why people come and go everyday. Sometimes it hit home, and sometimes it doesn’t. There is no other valid justification of the life cycle process beyond what my mother shared, dying is a part of living.

It made me think more about the purpose of life and why we are even here on this earth to begin with. I thought about my aunt’s legacy that she’s left with people she knew. I thought about how her life was not in vain as she was the model exemplar of a nurturing spirit. I embraced the memories I had of her and that celebrating her life reminded me to live my best life. It reminded me that I shouldn’t be overly consumed with things that in the long run are not a matter of life and death. 

On the car ride back to Chicago, I did not ride with anyone in my immediate family. I rode with two paternal (blood) aunts, an uncle and a cousin. I had a great time. I’ve always loved them, and even better I got a chance to create memories of living with them. We laughed, we slept, we ate, we respected, we shared meaningful conversations that connected us. I saw the beauty that comes from life and makes it worth living. I’m really blessed. And I’m sure somewhere else in the world right now, someone is having the same realization. I may still fear the unknown and grief associated with death, but I’ve made huge gains in accepting it’s role in helping me to live (and not just with lip service). 

Sophomore Slump

No, I’m not a recording artist, but as someone who took a venture to start blogging on a whim after a relaxing bath I’m starting to think this over. Am I really a blogger? Do I have anything substantial to say…consistently? Today marks my second series of blog postings....will it be a hit, or a sophomore slump?

I don’t want to be someone who starts a project and then it fizzles out due to…well, it sucked and no one cared (not even me).

Was I a one-hit wonder because I got some friends who called/texted me “I loved your blog”, accompanied by Facebook love.  How do I sustain that?

I wonder if that’s how my students feel when I say “great job!” The adverse affect of positive praise and reception is that we’re not sure if we can recreate it/live up to those moments where we did well.

As someone who’s frame of reference for consistent accolades primarily revolved around scholastic achievements, I found solace that my natural motivation to do well in school was affirmed and revered by others. I didn’t associate risks with school and educational pursuits, it wasn’t always easy –but I knew I could do it. I knew I had people telling me that I was smart and had a track record of “doing well” to back it up. It was a welcomed challenge.

But what about a blog? There’s no template for me in that. Sure I have editorial experience in junior high and high school yearbooks, sure I wrote for the college newspaper…but how much weight does that carry in the illustrious blogosphere world where everyone is a self-proclaimed amazing blogger. Who am I? 

Do I think I can write an interesting blog that’s not too much of my random babbling/venting and philosophies? Will people understand and respond favorably to the things I have to say? Who knows…I’m not an expert, I’m just like you.  Until then, I’m taking it one post at a time.