27 Things I've Learned About Myself. The Good...the Bad & the Random

Over the summer, I got to celebrate my 27^th birthday with loved ones. I love birthdays because they are the only day that everyone gets to feel special and be celebrated just because of who they are.

When you’re a kid, a lot of the focus on your birthday revolves around what you want as far as material things like toys, bikes, parties etc. But as I’ve gotten older, when people ask, “what do you want for your birthday?”, I usually struggle in coming up with an answer because a lot of the things I want are less tangible and just have to play out over time (that or the things I want are ridiculously expensive or unrealistic. “Do you think you could pay off this credit card for me? “ “How about a trip to Greece, South Africa and Paris for my birthday? Most folks aren’t doing that.)

Anywho, one of the great things about getting older is that you reflect on where you are in your life and then compare it to where you thought you would be and where you want to go. I had always heard that you get to know yourself better with age, and I know that I still have SOOO much more to learn. Usually with milestone ages, there’s a lot of fanfare, accouterments, and unquestioned respect and appreciation people receive simply for reaching that age. But what about all the interim and random ages that go under recognized? This year I turned 27…what’s so special about 27? Besides that movie 27 dresses, I really couldn’t think of a time when 27 got a lot of props….so I decided that a list of 27 things that I’ve learned about myself was most appropriate.  With that said…in no particular order…here it is:

1. Somehow, some kind of way I have developed a habit of procrastination. I have managed it well and sometimes do my best work under pressure. I will deal with this all of my life and accept it as the way it is.
2. I am a very generous person, and I like that about myself
3. I love being organized, but it is very hard for me to stay organized.
4. I am sensitive
5. I have cleverly crafted using guilt to get things. I’ve used it in a way that some people don’t realize that I’m even using it. I aim not to do that & have fully disclosed it with close friends so they can call me out on it
6. I make a lot of weird noises and sounds when no one is around, I actually find it to be a weird form of release
7. I am an introverted extrovert, read up on it more here if you care to: http://www.cvtips.com/career-choice/best-careers-and-skills-for-introverted-extroverts.html
8. I am a forgiving person
9. I am comfortable with being the center of attention or a leader, but it is not something I seek out intentionally
10. All my friends are witty and I appreciate that form of humor
11. When I commit to a task, job, or role I am extremely dedicated and passionate
12.  I have gotten more crass as I’ve gotten older…and I’m sort of okay with that, lol
13. I appreciate small thoughtful gestures over large grand gestures
14. I hold on to what people say sometimes more than what they do
15. I am genuinely authentic and polite
16. At my worst I am condescending, snide and dramatic
17. I really enjoy adventure and physical activities, despite never seeing myself as an athlete growing up
18. I enjoy giving compliments
19. I feel like I hear, process and am connected to music more intensely than most people
20. I am creative
21. All of my close friends are influencers in my life. They teach me new things and help make me a better person
22. I have a lot of self-motivation and drive
23. My favorite foods are French fries, lime popsicles, raspberries and pizza
24. Every time I try to bulk up by increasing my food/caloric intake, I see most of the weight gain in my stomach. I will have to work out some day or just accept my thin frame
25. My family makes me feel extremely loved and that has helped me feel comfortable expressing love to friends and romantic partners
26. I like my full name: Brandon Christopher Byrd.
27. I would read a list of facts about a person I cared about too, so thank you for reading

 

NIG-EAR Police

Paula Deen, Lil Wayne…and a whole host of other Americans…you are ALL under arrest by the NIG-EAR police. You have the right to remain silent, what you have said can and will be held against you in the court of DID YOU JUST SAY THAT NIGGA. You must make a viral video apologizing for your use of the n-word and appear before the most infamous judge, American Public.


 If my NIG-EAR police Miranda rights could find you in contempt, or you’re just interested in reading my thoughts, I gladly thank you in advance for reading this post.

 So…people say nigger and niggas all the time in America. Do I agree with it, no? Have I used it before…yes. This post is less about the harmful effects of the word or its prejudice origin. It’s not about blacks’ reclaiming of the word, or offering any solutions to stop its use. I recognize the aforementioned sentences could come off as apathetic, but in honesty discussing the word nigga is so loaded and contextual that if you intentionally omit the origin and consequences it could seem as if you don’t care…not the case for me.

 I digress.

 What I really want people to examine after reading this post is why do people say it and how to better respond to people that use the word. What I find most interesting about this word is its double standard, and how its truly a word that is used as a result of people’s environments. For the sake of this post I’m going to frame the n-word’s use around two celebrities, Chief Keef and Paula Deen.


 We’ll start with Chief Keef, because his use of the word has been pretty influential on my 4th grade students saying “nigga” with casual regularity and ease. Keef and my students come from the same neighborhood, and in that community there is a shared understanding that nigga is synonymous with a black person, friend, brother or sister. Phrases such as “what’s good nigga?” or “that’s my nigga!” are some of the more affirmative lines which suggests that in this environment nigga is non-threatening and validating. Why wouldn’t my 4th graders (and other people in that community) use nigga in casual conversation?!?! Even when nigga is being used “disrespectfully,” it’s often the preceding adjectives or context which is more negative than the word itself. For example: “I don’t trust that nigga” or “you dirty ass nigga!” Again, the lack of trust and uncleanliness are the real insults here, not the word nigga. All that said, it brings us to Chief Keef’s breakout hit, “I Don’t Like”...where he goes through his chorus describing all types of niggas (black people) that he doesn’t like. “ A fake nigga, a bitch nigga, and a snitch nigga…that’s that shit I don’t like it. I get where Keef is coming from, I don’t like fakes, snitches and bitchy people either. Then cue me telling my students “Don’t say that” after one of them says “Shutup nigga!” A look of confusion ran across the student’s face. I could tell they probably thought I meant don’t say shut-up, and while I’m not a fan of the word shut-up, I was primarily speaking about the word nigga. “I don’t like either of those words in my classroom. And the n*word is a curse word.” I said. “No it’s not,” my student responded. It was in that moment that I realized…he wasn’t being combative, he was being honest to what he knew to be true in his environment. “It may not be a curse word at home, but in this classroom it’s not following our rules of using positive language,” I replied. The student nodded his head in agreement out of respect, but a look of confusion still filled his eyes.

 Moving on to Ms. Paula Deen, and her use of the word nigger (or nigga, not sure which one). Now I don’t have firsthand experience with Paula Deen’s childhood and social environments, however there are some inferences I feel comfortable making based on history and some things she has shared in interviews. What I do know about Ms. Deen is that she stems from a family in the South that revered their ties to the Confederacy, plantation life and owning “workers” (which was her polite/coy attempt at not being offensive and omitting the word slaves.) It can be safely assumed that the word nigger was used in those types of environments as a way to ridicule and demean black people. All that said, according to her deposition she admittedly used the word nigger in a joking manner on several occasions. Given Paula’s contextual environment, she was not using the word to consciously oppress and belittle black people. She probably didn’t even say it to a black person’s face for fear of knowing how it would be received. Ms. Deen said the word in a way that reflected her upbringing , values and social norms around humor. If you’re taught that it’s safe to use certain words around certain people, then you’re more inclined to do that.

 Okay…so I spent all this time going over the context, but that wasn’t really NEW information. Thanks for staying with me. It’s bringing me to my point of who can act as the NIG-EAR police. When you hear that word, who gets to flex their morality muscles and condemn someone else. Is it any person who has never said the word, or is it all black people? Furthermore, is a NIG-EAR police even necessary considering the multiple environments which allow its use without consequence.

 
 Given our country’s inability to come to a shared consensus on its appropriateness, I don’t think anyone has the right to judge someone for using the word. If we hear the word and it offends us, we can let that person know that we don’t like it, and if they’re open to it even explain why. No one can act as the nigger police in this day and age…



 Well…maybe there’s one person. Watch the video below…I think he totally earned it.

Gay Christians...Oxy Moron or Bona fide Believers

 Gays can get married now! The gays can get married! Go to your local Chick-Fil-A and Christian congregation and share the good news. Before you take my advice and run to your local (alleged and/or potential) anti-gay establishment, please adhere to the following steps so that you are well-prepared if someone pushes back on you and says that being gay is an abomination and/or a sin.

 STEP 1: Watch Fish Out of Water. This documentary dissects the scriptures which are often used to condemn homosexuality. You can watch the full documentary on NETFLIX.

STEP 2: Watch For the Bible Tells Me So, a documentary that uses the BIBLE to advocate acceptance and love rather than judgment and disdain. The full documentary is on YouTube 


STEP 3: Watch Prayers for Bobby. The made for TV movie is a true story about a Christian family that comes to understand homosexuality once it actually affects them. Full movie is on YouTube.

 Even if you don’t watch ALL or ANY of these documentaries, it’s good to know what your resources are in the event you ever have to confront beliefs (including your own) about religion and homosexuality. I would even encourage non-Christians that support gays to check it out, just to see the intersections of how religion has been used to oppress gays for a very long time.

 Now…who wants BBQ sauce with their Chick-fil-A 12-piece nuggets??

Hello It's Me - my vocal video debut

As a kid...I always thought I was a child prodigy when it came to singing. Thank God though my parents were not fame & money hungry and I ended up having a normal childhood. I sang in church, school plays and when it was appropriate (for fun, shower, driving, etc).

All that said I haven't sang in public or in front of others since I was 17 and the lead in Little Shop of Horrors.  Lately I have found myself with the urge to sing again and thought I'd share with you all.

Enjoy my cover of Todd Rundgren's "Hello, It's Me". 

Identity Theft pt 4: The Skinny on Being a Thin Guy

So…I’ve been thin all my life. I know other thin people who have really dedicated themselves to the gym, lifted weights and have gotten a frame that is less skeletal and more muscle-bound. Many would find that physique pleasing to the eye and assume they’re fairly healthy and fit, dare I even say sexy and assumed to be more manly.

Fast forward to me and my body issues.  I go back and forth with loving my body. Some of the things I don’t enjoy about it is:

-       it makes me look young

-       I feel scrawny…and apparently men are supposed to be brawny, like the paper towels

-       It’s generally not seen as desirable or sexy (though I have been fortunate to have my fair share of admirers who like my frame)

-       Buying clothes that are tailored to fit my frame

-       It could make me look physically weak

-       I do think that people see me as less threatening, strong, rugged, domineering,

-       I almost feel as if my small frame overdramatizes or overstates the fact that I am not indeed manly. However in different spaces it can be viewed in different ways

-        

Things I like about my frame:

-       I have built a wardrobe that goes pretty well with it

-       I can fit into tight spaces pretty easily

-       I generally don’t worry about people making comments about my frame like I’m gross or sloppy

-       Comparatively speaking about body types, I don’t think I feel as stigmatized as people who would be deemed as overweight

Will I ever get bigger? Everyone makes it seem so easy….I actually really despise when people tell me how “simple” it is to put on weight and if I wanted it bad enough I’d do it.

“All you have to do is….blah blah blah..” NO. That’s not all I have to do…that’s all you did and it worked for you.

I have definitely tried an array of methods to bulk up, and while some have had minor to semi-significant results, at the end of the day I still see a toned, yet thin frame.

The problem with being thin is that it almost invalidates your “manliness” with an assumption that you lack “male force/higher degrees of masculinity”. That if you would just “man up”, you could be more of a man and have more muscle and mass. Overweight people definitely have their own stigmas, but the rhetoric usually involves just getting off their lazy behinds and being disciplined, they usually aren’t told to “man up”.

At the end of the day we’re supposed to have healthy bodies and lifestyles. I eat well at least 5 days out of the week, I could run a mile if you asked me to, probably need to drink more water, but beyond that I don’t have major issues.

I’d like to think that if I gained more weight I’d be seen as a little bit more sexy, and perhaps more manly. I don’t know though…I also feel like people who love me and whomever I’m supposed to be with will dig the fact that I’m thin and take my body just the way it is. Is that wishful thinking?

I also can’t decide if me bulking up should be placed in the “vanity” category, or if it would really give me more confidence.  I’m guessing I might be more confident…but I would need to make sure I was doing it for me and not for others.  For the time being I have developed enough confidence with my body that is a “take-it-or-leave it” mentality.  I’ve already got a ton of other things going for me against the male status quo and I’ve been fine….I’ll ride this thin thing out for as long as my body allows me to.

Heaven is a _____________________

Last weekend over brunch with some friends after church, the topic of Heaven came up. It came up in a way I had never thought about it before. My friend mentioned he was reading some book about a guy that said Heaven was/could be (not sure of his exact claim) a combination of some of your happiest moments when you’re alive.  My friend went on to ask what are the 5 happiest moments of my life? 

Here’s what I’ve decided that my Heaven would look like if the happiest moments of my life were on “repeat”.

1.     A mash up of me at every amusement park I’ve ever been to (minus the lines).  Riding rollercoasters and rides always brings out my adventurous side, and I am guaranteed to smile & laugh nonstop when at an amusement park with rides.

My favorite amusement park of all time - Cedar Point! 

2.     Playing tennis…this sport I picked up in high school has stuck with me. Not only does it relax me, but it makes me insanely happy. I’d get rid of hitting the balls over the fence in Heaven…that part is always annoying.

Me with my tennis BEAST face! 

One of my favorite tennis patterns! 

3.     Eating meals with my immediate family.  Of course I wasn’t happy when the menu was something I didn’t like (very picky eater as a kid), but I grew up with Mom, Dad, sister, brother and me all eating around the dinner table. Sometimes we’d have serious talks and other times we’d laugh our heads off. Regardless, I was always happy for the stability and consistency of having them around for a meal.

Eating with the Fab 5! 

4.     Performing Godspell a la 2002, same cast as when I was 15/sophomore in high school.  I love to be on stage so much! Singing, dancing and acting out parables from the Bible with the people I did at the time was one of my happiest moments ever!

5.     Laughter with friends outside at the beach.  Of course I enjoy laughter with friends on any occasion, but there’s something special about the times when I’m outside with my friends, feel the sun’s warmth against my skin and we’re laughing all of our cares away.

Beaching it in Texas! 

Beaching it with friends in MI

Beach, food & volleyball in Chicago! 

Beaching in Miami! 

Beach time silliness in Chicago!  

Grubbin' @ the beach

When I’ve thought of Heaven in the past, it usually leaves me somewhat unsettled because I can’t quite grip my mind around it based on what I’ve read/understood. According to the Bible, admission to Heaven is selective, it’s like a big praise & worship concert all day, and there are mansions and streets of gold. I just knew I wanted to go there because the alternative sounded so bad. I’ve never thought of Heaven as being a place where my happiness would be played out.  It sounds bizarre, but thinking of Heaven in terms of my best moments actually left me with some ease about the place. I have no CLUE what Heaven is really like…but at least thinking about it in terms of happiness forced me to think about when I am happy.

 I can remember when I’ve been down…but most happy…that superlative doesn’t always stay on the radar for me.  It seems so counterintuitive because in theory we should always remember the times when we’re at our best/most happy.

I’m going to be looking out for my happy moments way more now, and thinking…maybe this is what Heaven feels like when I’m in those moments.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

The art of solitude. It's knowing how to be by yourself and to enjoy that time. That's a skill that I'm always perfecting. Some times in my life I've been really good at it...others, not so much. I decided to make a video short documenting some of the things I do to find solitude.

I set it to Bilal's "Lost for Now" because I thought the song best captured the catalyst that pushed me to practice enjoying my company (a break-up in Sept 2012). I guess 6 months have passed since then and I've made a lot of progress in going from loneliness to solitude.

Now remember, you are reading the UNexpert, with that said...this video is not going to be nominated for any awards, it's very amateur. I'm hoping you can connect to it though when you've had moments where you are your best company.

Feel free to leave comments, and tell me some of the things that you do to enjoy your "you" time.